COSA Recovery Tools
The tools listed here are those many of us have found helpful in our individual recoveries. Used and applied in our daily lives, these tools help us to achieve sanity and serenity, whether or not the sex addict chooses recovery.
Meetings
COSA members gathering in a program of recovery; also COSA step study group meetings; other Twelve Step group meetings may be useful to increase frequency. Members give and receive support, work the steps, and share experience, strength and hope in a safe environment.
The Twelve Steps of COSA
Working the steps is the foundation of recovery in COSA; they are a set of spiritual practices COSA members use for personal growth and recovery; based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The Twelve Traditions of COSA
Based on the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, a set of guidelines which suggest how COSA groups conduct themselves. Studying the Twelve Traditions and applying them to interpersonal relationships, COSA groups, and COSA as a whole promotes our own growth.
Sponsors
A guide through the Twelve Step process; someone in COSA who has something you want from recovery and is willing to share her/his own recovery experience with you; offering regular encouragement and support.
Support network
Communicating with other COSA members between meetings, either by phone, the Internet or in person; asking for support when needed; corresponding with other COSA members if there are no meetings you can attend. Best cultivated in noncrisis times.
ISO of COSA literature
COSA Stories I
COSA Stories II
COSA Welcome - a newcomer's packet
How to Start a Group - packet
COSA: A Program of Recovery - brochure
COSA Tri-fold wallet card
COSA Convention Cds
The Balance, COSA's newsletter
COSA Medallions -- Symbols of successful time intervals in the COSA program.
Slogans
Quick references to important 12 Step program concepts, including: • One Day at a Time • Live and Let Live • Easy Does It • Progress, Not Perfection • First Things First • Keep It Simple • Let Go and Let God • HOW (How our program works: Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness) • HALT (Not allowing ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired) • Higher Power -- A source of strength greater than ourselves; such as a positive Energy or Spirit, a religious idea, nature, or the COSA group.
Prayer and meditation
Spiritual practices that help us connect with our Higher Power; used on a regular basis, to seek guidance and strength; also turning things over to our Higher Power. To some, prayer is talking to our Higher Power and meditation is listening to our Higher Power.
Honesty
Striving to eliminate denial, half truths, white lies, partial truths, and overt dishonesty with ourselves and others.
Journaling
Recording our thoughts, feelings and insights; also any reflective writing and step work.
Service
Participating in activities that support the COSA group or COSA as a whole, including leading meetings, sponsoring, reaching out to newcomers, telling your story, serving as treasurer, writing an article for the newsletter, or volunteering for the COSA International Service Organization.
COSA conferences and retreats
Opportunities to spend more time focused on the COSA program and issues.
Anonymity and confidentiality
Guard each other's safety by not repeating what is heard in a meeting or other confidential setting; value yourself and others by practicing "principles before personalities." By using first names only, we guarantee that everyone will feel safe to share, and we place everyone on an equal footing.
Defining our sobriety and bottom-line/acting out/inner circle behaviors
For so long we focused on what was wrong with the sex addict and what he or she should do to change. In COSA, we learn that the only person we can change is ourselves. We discover that many of our reactions to the sexual addiction and the sex addict were not healthy. In fact, many of our responses made the situation worse. In defining our own sobriety, we make a list of those behaviors we engaged in that made us, and the situation, worse. We choose, one day and one situation at a time, not to engage in those behaviors. (For example, covering up for the sex addict's behaviors, looking for clues to the acting out, and trying to use sex to control the addict.)
Celibacy
Some individuals may agree with their partners on a temporary period of no sexual contact, which can be a useful choice in the process of achieving abstinence in COSA. It provides a safe time to work on sexual issues, and it can help couples to work on communication and intimacy.
Setting boundaries
Personal boundaries become blurred or even nonexistent when we react to sexual addiction. Part of our recovery is identifying appropriate self-protective boundaries or limits with respect to people, places, and activities. For example, we might choose to set a boundary regarding unprotected sex with the sex addict, to protect ourselves from sexually transmitted diseases. Many of us have determined that we will no longer accept unacceptable behavior from ourselves or others, such as emotional abuse or physical battering. We may choose to separate our finances from those of the sex addict to protect our own credit. Such boundaries are personal choices, and no one in COSA will decide what your boundaries need to be.
Recovery tools from other resources
COSA's Traditions state, "COSA has no opinion on outside issues, hence the COSA name ought never be drawn into public controversy," and COSA does not "endorse, finance or lend the COSA name to any ... outside enterprise." However, COSA does not represent itself as the only path to recovery for families and friends of sex addicts. COSA is not intended to replace professional therapy, religious organizations, or other self-help groups. Each member must determine for him or her self whether there is a personal need for assistance outside the COSA program.
Additionally, there is a great deal of information in various publications that can inform and enlighten COSA members about sexual addiction and sexual co-addiction. Libraries and bookstores are resources for this information.