One Member's Story:
The Ripple Effect of Service Work
My name is Diana, and I am a grateful recovering co-sex addict.
I had to laugh at myself right after receiving Burnet’s message asking me to make this presentation. I had this huge flood of fright-filled thoughts. There must be a bunch of other people who are much more qualified to talk about service than I am ... how will I measure up to some of the others I have heard present? Oh my gosh -- there will be people out there in the audience who actually KNOW me and know part of my story. Nothing unusual ... just another “lack of self-esteem” flash. Since recovery, they are fewer and farther between, but they still sneak into my thought patterns occasionally!!
I got another chuckle when I decided I needed to research the definition of “service.” I strolled into the room where I keep all my books. You know the place. It resembles the self-help section of Barnes and Noble or Borders!! As I gazed at the shelves, I saw the progression that got me to where I am today. On the first shelf, when my husband and I were apparently working on intimacy issues: 1001 Ways to Be Romantic, Romantic Interludes and Sexual Nutrition. Obviously, we moved into more serious space on the second shelf where the dust is collecting on Masters and Johnson’s Sex and Human Loving, The Ultimate Sex Book and Dr. Ruth’s Guide for Married Lovers. I do remember that transition into raw, unadulterated sex after the intimacy stuff didn’t work! Then comes two of my favorites: Surviving Infidelity and After the Affair which indicates that neither the sex NOR the intimacy stuff made a difference. Then comes Psychology of Women which Diana only skimmed because the concept that any of this had even an inkling to do with me was totally and completely adverse to me. At the end of that shelf appears every book SARK has ever written. Bodacious Book of Succulence is there along with Succulent Wild Woman and Living Juicy. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t “there” yet, but at least I had a smidgen of self focus! The next three shelves (...and these are LONG shelves) are taken up by books and workbooks by Patrick Carnes, John Bradshaw, Melodie Beatty, Doug Weiss and any other literature with the mention of sexual addiction or co-addiction in it. You may have noted a rise in Barnes and Noble stock prices, and at about this time, you may have also heard a resounding thud. That thud, on the last weekend in April 1997, was Diana hitting bottom.
Strangely enough, I turned to a resource that was foreign to me -- the Internet. Again, I hit and bookmarked every site that made even a casual reference to sexual addiction and/or coaddiction. I would not be truthful if I said that my motives were pure. My life was in chaos. I was on the brink of insanity. I searched and searched ... like the crazy person I was. Problem was that I was searching for a cure for HIM and his stuff. I stumbled upon a discussion group for friends and family of sex addicts. I joined. It was my first connection with anyone “like me.” I remember opening my email that first day after joining. The tears fell onto the keyboard as I read the first message. It could have been me who wrote those words except that writer was in something called “recovery.” I honestly believe that it was at this point that the first of my layers hit the floor as I realized that I owned a part of what was going on in the relationship. I recall feeling like a balloon that someone had deflated. There were about fifty members in this discussion group which, as someone with no local face-to-face group, became my lifeline. It was there I met Ruth and dear Ila and F. and my sponsor and Gloria and soooo many others who are the tiles in my mosaic of recovery.
And, it was in this group that my recovery began AND my service work began. I will always remember how scary it was that night that I composed and reread and reread ... and reread ... my first post to that group. After all, anything less than perfect was not acceptable! I read what everybody else was posting ... just to make sure that I knew how to do it correctly. I think it laid in my out box for a few days until I got the nerve to hit the send button. Then, to say that I anxiously awaited for someone to respond to that first message would be a gross understatement. I remember that it was a couple days before someone responded. I nearly unsubscribed in the interim. I was certain I had done it wrong or had offended someone. Eventually, a response or two arrived, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Anyway, those feelings of fear and uncertainty and apprehension stayed with me. So, after some months, I became the unofficial welcoming committee and was the first to greet the newcomers. And I grew to love the newcomers. They reminded me of that chaos-filled place I had recently begun to move out of. They reminded me to be grateful for my new-found recovery. They reminded me of what awaited me if I moved off the path I was then stumbling down.
In about five months, I decided it was time to get myself a sponsor. I had learned that the Steps were something other than those things that got me from the front door to the sidewalk. There was a special someone in the discussion group whose Experience, Strength and Hope touched me deeply. If it is possible to “hang on” someone’s words in an email message, I did so. I had been working independently in one of Dr. Weiss’s workbooks, but the time had come to tell my story and SOMEONE was gonna have to listen! I just couldn’t get up the courage to ask this particular person if she would be my sponsor, so I prayed about it ... Let It Go .. and put out a general request to the group. As always, when I Turn It Over to someone who is much more qualified to run my life than I am, this turned out exactly the way it was supposed to.
Out of the hundred or so members in the group, the one person who I so wanted to be my sponsor was the first to respond (Thank You, Higher Power!) And for the first time in my life I began to disclose details of my life that no other human had ever heard before. It had to be done in installments because the pain seemed to be more than any human could endure. Good thing the keyboard was plastic else the keys would have rusted in place due to all the tears I shed. But the gifts I received in return were priceless. From my sponsor I received acceptance and unconditional love. In spite of my multitudes of sins, she loved me just the way I was. What a joyous gift this was!! I learned that I was a spiritual being having a human experience. I learned that I was going to be okay in spite of all my warts. I learned that pain was inevitable, but misery is optional. My list of things to be grateful for was growing by leaps and bounds.
At about this same time, I decided I had come to that place where I needed face-to-face contact. I sent my check and order form for literature to ISO COSA; got a post office box; got a pager and lined up a place to meet ... and I waited. I sent out letters to local therapists who specialized in working with addiction and codependency. I sent flyers to other 12 Step groups in the area ... and I waited. A friend set up a beautiful web site on the Internet for the group ... and I waited. I was being shown another example of life is by His timetable ... not mine! I met face-to-face with one lady. We shared a cup of coffee and bits and pieces of our stories. But apparently she wasn’t ready yet because I never heard from her again. I had to Let Go of my self doubts that I had said or done something “wrong” that frightened her away.
I continued to be a very active participant in the e-mail support group. In January of 1998, I began to work the Steps via an on-line step study group, using Patrick Carnes’ A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps. As an aside, I have, on more than one occasion, taken exception to the word “gentle” in that title! Shortly before I attended a retreat, a member of the e-mail discussion group I belonged to asked me to be her sponsor.
After my jaw bounced off the floor, there was this rush of emotions ... mostly self doubts about my ability to be anyone’s sponsor. I turned to my sponsor and a couple other members of my recovery circle, asking them if they thought I was ready to be a sponsor. They replied in the affirmative and told me to stand by for a major growing experience. And it was. As was my relationship with my next sponsoree ... and the next ... and the next. I was awestruck at the depth of the bond that could be struck between myself and a wonderful lady in Guatemala with just a cyber connection between us. I came to appreciate the joy of sharing my Experience, Strength and Hope and getting the same in return. I saw myself in their stories. I could relate to their pain and anguish. They were, and are, as individual as their names and geographic locations. But none of us are terminally unique. We share that thing called Willingness. And, as we are told, that is all it takes to continue along the path of this journey of a lifetime.
My trips to that place called Obsessionville were fewer and farther between. I had developed that precious commodity called trust between myself and my sponsor and my ever-growing circle of recovery friends and my sponsorees. Diana never thought she would see the day when she could trust another woman, and here I am ... with a myriad of female friends with whom I know I can trust my deepest and darkest secrets. Tell me that recovery isn’t awesome!
I had discovered and taken a long look at my God-shaped hole. I realized I was living in a spiritual vacuum. As I worked Steps Two and Three, I hungered for a connection with my Higher Power. I was again shown where I was supposed to be. It is there that I am reminded each Sunday that my God only loves me.
I had grown to understand the concept of accountability. I didn’t like it one bit, but I finally figured out what it was all about. I’ve decided it is one of the strongest deterrents to be acting out. I HATE having to report to my sponsor that I have slipped despite the fact that my disclosures are answered with only unconditional love and acceptance. Being the “hurry up and get it done” person that I am, I have struggled to let the process work for me rather than working the process myself. I am reminded of the importance of the journey ... NOT the destination. There is no graduation from this program -- caps and gowns are not needed.
The e-mail support group had grown to numbers above 250 members. I stand here ... proud ... that I was once a member. And I want to tell you, Ruth, how grateful I am -- as are the hundreds of others whose lives have been dramatically changed by this support group. Speaking of awesome service records ... hats off to you, dear Ruth. Last I heard, the membership number for the group was 350+.
But the time had come for Diana to move on. With Higher Power at work again, at about the time I left the e-mail discussion group, Ruth became a little overwhelmed with the traffic off the ISO web site. She asked me to lend a hand in answering the inquiries. So, again, Diana was in a position to reach out to her beloved newcomers. And what a joy it is to connect them with a COSA group in their area, or someone like them who is Living in the Moment ... taking it One Day At A Time ... and focusing on self. I receive tenfold what I give out.
Then Ruth put her Letting Go skills to work once again, and I became the E-mail Coordinator for NSO of COSA. This is merely a fancy way of saying that I answer all the inquiries that come into the website. I spend an hour or so each day sending out information about COSA; reading registration forms, and ultimately connecting individuals with COSA groups in their areas whenever possible. At some point, the time will come for Diana to move on from this position, but for now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This connection with those new to recovery keeps me centered. I am reminded daily of where I used to be, and I cherish those reminders.
John Bradshaw says ...
"Service also means caring for others and giving back what you’ve received. The Twelfth Step urges us to carry our spiritual awakening to others who suffer the ‘toxic shame’ of a dysfunctional background. All of us who have come out of hiding need to bring the light to others. Carrying the message is done by modeling, not by moralizing. It is done by those who ‘walk the walk as they talk the talk.’ This means that there are no gurus. There are only those who have walked a little further down the path.Service and love for others flow directly from service and love for ourselves. I love the motto of the Dominican priests: “To hand on to others what you yourself have contemplated.” We truly cannot give what we haven’t got. We cannot teach our children self-valuing if we continue to be shame-based.
Service is a true mark and fruit of spiritual growth."
(Bradshaw, John. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, 1990, Bantam Books.)
Patrick Carnes writes that ...
"Sharing your recovery with others is like making a ripple on a lake. Maybe one of the people you touch, who touches another, will make a difference in someone’s sobriety....Helping others is a significant part of the program, and there are many ways the program gets passed on. When you live the program and share it with others, you are carrying the message, especially when you sponsor new members. In practicing the Twelfth Steps you will find that:
- By witnessing to others, your appreciation of the program and the program’s impact on your life deepens.
- By hearing the stories of new members, you are reminded of where you were when you started.
- By modeling to others, you become aware that you need to practice what you preach.
- By giving to others, you develop bonds with new people who really need you.
- By helping others, you give what you have received.
- By supporting new beginnings, you revitalize your own efforts."
(Carnes, Patrick. A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, 1993, Hazelden Educational Materials, pp 285-286.)
Examples of how we all can be of service:
- Informing other sexual codependents of meeting times and locations.
- Listening to others.
- Starting a new meeting.
- Preparing chairs, literature and/or refreshments for a meeting.
- Chairing a meeting.
- Greeting a newcomer.
- Cleaning up after a meeting.
- Helping with special events.
- Updating meeting or membership lists.
- Spreading the message of recovery to those who still suffer.
- Offering financial support through the Seventh Tradition.
- Assisting with our newsletter, Balance (thank you Ila, we love you!!!)
- Writing articles for Balance.
- Improving the communication channels between local and national levels.
- Committee work.
- Practicing and upholding the Traditions.
- Sponsorship.
I feel compelled to add a word of caution. Just as it is possible to become “addicted” to recovery, it is possible to become addicted to service work. Being overly involved can result in a shift from self focus which can threaten our sobriety. On several occasions, I have felt myself getting lost in my service work. I could feel the scales losing their balance. I had to remind myself that service work is only one facet of my recovery. I was also reminded that as a codependent, I will seek out escape mechanisms which keep me from dealing with my own issues. Balance, balance, balance. Balance in my life is the key!
I mentioned that I have gotten back tenfold what I gave to others. I received the following message a few weeks ago, and this message is an example of the gifts of service work:
“Once again I would like to thank you for all of your help. I read your letters every day until my first meeting. I can't believe how much someone I never even met helped me. I went to my first meeting. It was everything I wanted it to be and so much more. They are a family of survivors and they welcomed me with open arms. I feel so much better already. They have walked in my shoes. You were right. I am not alone. As a matter of fact, everything you told me was right. I know this might sound weird, but I will never forget you. You helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. Thank you for helping me be strong. "T.”
I believe it is no coincidence that the first official meeting of my local COSA group was held this past Tuesday, July 27th. Yes, the waiting paid off, and my patience has been rewarded. There are only two of us, but we are both optimistic that growth is inevitable. And it seems that we have the “glue” to keep the group together and going in the meantime.
So, where is Diana today? She has entered year three of her recovery, and she loves it just as much as she did at the first baby step. The local COSA group is a reality. I have three sponsorees who I love with all my heart. I have an awesome sponsor who has given me more unconditional love and acceptance than I could envision any human being able to. I just finished Step Four and am determined to see it through to Step Twelve. I have a totally awesome circle of recovery friends. I gleefully perform my duties as E-mail Coordinator for NSO of COSA. Ahhhh ... life IS good.
As I stand here before you today, I can say with all honesty that I would not be here if it were not for the service work I have been blessed to have been allowed to do. Service has kept me honest and Willing. Service has afforded me the opportunity to expand my circle of recovery friends. Service reminds me of the impact the Program has on my life. Service allows me to give to others what has been given to me. I AM one of those ripples on the lake. I challenge you to join me there. July 1999
The COSA International Service Organization is composed of COSA members who volunteer their time, talents and energy to serving COSA as a whole. Click here to find out more about ISO of COSA.